October is my shit month.
Maybe I attract it?
I don't know but I'm pretty certain that when I die it will be in October.
So a couple things.
I have almost completely stopped bleeding.
It's only been 8 days of bloody hell. (my best british accent there).
I have to back pedal for a second.
Ricky and I eloped about 3 weeks after we decided we wanted to actually get married.
& We had only been "official" for maybe a month??
I think everyone assumed I was pregnant or we were stupid.
Maybe both??
Some people thought it was revenge at an ex-boyfriend of mine, HA. A little too extreme for me.
But in truth, we simply loved each other.
I think if I would have looked into the future at everything we've been through in the past 7 years I think the odds would say that our shotgun marriage wouldn't last.
We lived the first 2 years so incredibly broke.
Carls Jr. could have broken our bank - literally.
Life together has been incredible.
Incredibly stressful at a lot of times.
Incredibly heart breaking.
& incredibly beautiful.
Last Thursday I was on my 3rd shower by 2pm.
I went in there because I couldn't take a bath and it was the place where it felt okay to cry.
Ricky came in and told me "I hope you're not mad at yourself."
I told him that I wasn't. That I was a little bit disappointed but I couldn't feel guilty because every time I look at Charley I know that if I didn't lose that last one I wouldn't have HER.
I mean I'm sure I would love another just the same but it wouldn't be HER and there's not a single thing I would change about her.
So as I stood in the hottest water I could manage taking deep breaths and trying to convince myself that this heart break will be worth it, just like it was with Charley --
Ricky says "it's probably not even your fault. It's probably been my swimmers this whole time."
I jokingly said "So I should be mad at you then?"
There's the smile, laughter, and sunlight.
There's the reason we have made it - the reason we don't break. The reason we pick up where we're at and move forward.
The reason I married him when I was 18 & the reason we have both sacrificed so much for each other.
It's funny how words work.
They make or break you.
Words can brighten up darkness the same way we turn on a light when we walk into a room.
Monday I had my follow up appointment.
The staff entered my room quietly and empathetically like I was damaged goods.
I told them I really was okay. That I was more relieved than anything because that SCH scared the shit out of me.
The day prior I told a good friend the same thing.
I told her how guilty I felt saying that I was relieved.
(I thought, I hope that doesn't make me sound like a bad mom??)
She provided comfort and reassurance when I told her how relieved I felt. She said she felt the same relief when going through a later loss than I had. We talked about how they would never suffer and that's the ultimate mothers wish anyway, right? Take the suffering from our kiddos?
I am relieved.
Relieved that his abnormal pregnancy ended the way it did, when it did.
Relieved I could hold my daughter.
Relieved I wouldn't have 9 months of being on the edge of a cliff knowing that if I picked up my crying daughter it could result in a spontaneous abortion for her little brother or sister.
Relieved that I was not damaged goods.
Relieved that had this pregnancy continued and led to a full term pregnancy there's no telling what abnormalities we would face as a family.
Relieved that I have this heartbreaking reminder again.
So that when I do have another baby, one that might be colicky like Charley was that I would be so grateful to have another it wouldn't matter.
Relieved to remind me to be patient with myself, Ricky & Charley.
After talking to my doctor he concluded I had what's called a Blighted Ovum
Which is pretty much when the body recognizes such abnormalities from the sperm or egg and terminates the pregnancy. An empty sac is present but nothing develops within the sac.
Also weird because I still felt pregnant even though nothing was progressing.
What's also ironic is when I knew I could go either way, I was already in "trust the body" mode.
I had never even heard of a blighted ovum until 4 days ago so it's very weird that we were cracking jokes about it being the sperms fault (which is very possible with a blighted ovum).
Next Steps: Follow up ultrasound to make sure all tissue is out of the uterus and other than that I am pretty much back to normal & even more grateful than I was before
My doctor also told me that every woman goes into pregnancy with a 15% chance of miscarriage - again MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR.
Since I have now had 2 with a living child in between my % has gone up about 10% so now I go into pregnancy with a 25% chance of miscarriage. I am sure that next time will be fine, but I will keep you updated whenever that happens!
This is not my ultrasound, I actually don't have any images of my ultrasounds. But my sac was about half the size (maybe even smaller) with extremely thin walls, my hematoma also was much larger (this hematoma also looks to be clotted which mine was not). But you get the general idea of how scary this looks when it is EXTREMELY close to invading the space which should be holding your baby.
<3
