First of all I want to say how amazing my friends, family and entire support system are. The outpouring support from everyone including people I haven't seen or talked to in almost a decade has been incredible and I am blessed to be lifted up by all the prayer, thoughts & well wishes.
While many people including myself were pulling for a better outcome - I trust my body's ability to make decisions. The empty gestational sac was more concerning than the hemorrhage although the word hemorrhage in itself is pretty intimidating.
I woke up yesterday morning still feeling like I was on the edge of a cliff.
But I knew what was going to happen.
The night before I had been having some intense, dull cramping.
Clots, clots and more clots.
The more I bled the more my symptoms were lessening.
I had my 48 hour blood draw -- as if I wasn't already feeling like I was bleeding to death what's one more vial!?
I came home and was lying down watching The Aristocats with Charley when my phone started ringing.
My doctor told me that my numbers have dropped 1,000 in 48 hours.
I have lost the pregnancy & as the numbers continue to drop my body is going to begin eliminating.
I will detail what I was told because I know this is the internet, I know how many people will read this looking for answers so here they are.
Your body starts to contract like a less intense labor.
It's pretty painful but not quite as intense as labor.
You begin to pass clots, mass amounts of blood & slimy tissue.
The pain lessens with each clump/tissue that is passed.
What my doctor told me to look for was the sac which he described would be the size of or larger than a fifty cent piece and would look like raw ground beef.
Nice and gruesome in the spirit of Halloween.
So here I am inspecting the massacre in the toilet every time so that I can let my doctor know when the sac is gone in order to hopefully avoid medical intervention on Monday.
I am doing amazing though and that is the truth.
Better than I would have ever expected.
I wouldn't say this is an easy thing physically & emotionally but it is happening regardless of what I have to say or think about it.
I know there are women that have been down this same road multiple times as I am currently 1/3 when it comes to baby-making and I know they do what I did the first time. I know they lock themselves away to deal with this privately and that's okay - so long as you aren't ashamed.
My body does not kill babies or betray me. It protects me and my babies so that we can all be healthy. From a scientific standpoint it's a miracle any of us are alive.
Everything has to line up just perfectly and when it doesn't - it doesn't work.
I mean just look at anyone you love and tell me it's not perfection?
Don't get me wrong you mourn the idea of your due date, the idea of your expanding family on a certain date. You are crushed because you feel so physically different & then it is stripped from you and that is a hard concept.
When you become vulnerable to sharing your life story you weigh a lot of different options.
People will think it's for attention, pity & more.
I share my life & I open up because it is therapeutic for me.
The last time I went through something like this I told maybe 5 people and I locked myself in my bedroom in the dark for weeks. I was full of hate. Disappointment. Failure. Anger. I stewed in dismay & frustration. I hated my body. My body KILLED MY BABY and I was pissed. Every time I saw someone pregnant I stewed. If they were due the same month I was supposed to be due I put myself in misery. Especially when they were having unplanned babies and I was actively trying to start a family. There was one thing that infuriated me and it was people who got pregnant on accident while I was trying everything I could and my body just couldn't. I wanted people to suffer the hurt I was experiencing. I hate to say it out loud - I hate to say that I wanted people to suffer, but I did.
& today I have a different point of view.
THEIR JOY & THEIR PREGNANCY IS AND NEVER WILL BE ANY OF MY BUSINESS.
The same day I announced my SCH at least 4 other people announced they were expecting & due within weeks of me. I truly am happy for them, excited for them & I am not sorry for myself like I was years ago. I would NEVER wish this pain & heartache on anyone, let alone my friends.
The age old "recommendation" is not to tell people about pregnancy until you are out of the 12 week danger zone which was my plan. I didn't tell the world I was pregnant with Charley for a while and I planned on surprising everyone with this one. This recommendation I suppose is so that you don't have to tell everyone when you miscarry because of all those emotions that come to surface. I was humiliated when I had to tell everyone that I miscarried. Not only are you disappointed in yourself but other people that haven't been there really don't know what to say so they try to be supportive and end up saying something offensive so it's a tangled mess.
This situation was completely different.
Even after my SCH diagnosis I wasn't planning on telling more than our parents and a friend that I had to tell in order to get a hold of Ricky last weekend.
But I knew I couldn't bottle it up. I had friends that were wondering why I had to cancel certain plans, I had friends that were concerned when I asked for prayer so I opened up & I am extremely grateful that I did.
I absolutely am at peace.
If you are going through something similar I hope that you find peace, reach out to your support system because they will lift you up & they'll lift you up higher than you could ever imagine.
I am so blessed, thank you for thinking of me & of us.
Lastly, not to discount this experience at all, I would have taken, carried and love this child if my body allowed. I am also grateful that I won't be stressing about a hemorrhage during an entire pregnancy. I am hoping that the next time around I can hold Charley, that I can continue to work out & be happy & that instead of feeling sorry for me now, you can celebrate with us later, when we are all healthy & less stressed.
<3
No comments:
Post a Comment