Blighted Ovum & Humor

Thank god I survived another October.
October is my shit month.
Maybe I attract it?
I don't know but I'm pretty certain that when I die it will be in October.

So a couple things.
I have almost completely stopped bleeding.
It's only been 8 days of bloody hell. (my best british accent there).

I have to back pedal for a second. 
Ricky and I eloped about 3 weeks after we decided we wanted to actually get married.
& We had only been "official" for maybe a month??
I think everyone assumed I was pregnant or we were stupid.
Maybe both??
Some people thought it was revenge at an ex-boyfriend of mine, HA. A little too extreme for me.
But in truth, we simply loved each other.

I think if I would have looked into the future at everything we've been through in the past 7 years I think the odds would say that our shotgun marriage wouldn't last.
We lived the first 2 years so incredibly broke.
Carls Jr. could have broken our bank - literally.

Life together has been incredible.
Incredibly stressful at a lot of times.
Incredibly heart breaking.
& incredibly beautiful.

Last Thursday I was on my 3rd shower by 2pm.
I went in there because I couldn't take a bath and it was the place where it felt okay to cry.
Ricky came in and told me "I hope you're not mad at yourself."
I told him that I wasn't. That I was a little bit disappointed but I couldn't feel guilty because every time I look at Charley I know that if I didn't lose that last one I wouldn't have HER.
I mean I'm sure I would love another just the same but it wouldn't be HER and there's not a single thing I would change about her.

So as I stood in the hottest water I could manage taking deep breaths and trying to convince myself that this heart break will be worth it, just like it was with Charley --
Ricky says "it's probably not even your fault. It's probably been my swimmers this whole time."
I jokingly said "So I should be mad at you then?"

There's the smile, laughter, and sunlight.
There's the reason we have made it - the reason we don't break. The reason we pick up where we're at and move forward.
The reason I married him when I was 18 & the reason we have both sacrificed so much for each other.

It's funny how words work. 
They make or break you.
Words can brighten up darkness the same way we turn on a light when we walk into a room.

Monday I had my follow up appointment.
The staff entered my room quietly and empathetically like I was damaged goods.
I told them I really was okay. That I was more relieved than anything because that SCH scared the shit out of me.
The day prior I told a good friend the same thing.
I told her how guilty I felt saying that I was relieved.
(I thought, I hope that doesn't make me sound like a bad mom??)
 She provided comfort and reassurance when I told her how relieved I felt. She said she felt the same relief when going through a later loss than I had. We talked about how they would never suffer and that's the ultimate mothers wish anyway, right? Take the suffering from our kiddos?

I am relieved.
Relieved that his abnormal pregnancy ended the way it did, when it did.
Relieved I could hold my daughter.
Relieved I wouldn't have 9 months of being on the edge of a cliff knowing that if I picked up my crying daughter it could result in a spontaneous abortion for her little brother or sister.
Relieved that I was not damaged goods.
Relieved that had this pregnancy continued and led to a full term pregnancy there's no telling what abnormalities we would face as a family.
Relieved that I have this heartbreaking reminder again.
So that when I do have another baby, one that might be colicky like Charley was that I would be so grateful to have another it wouldn't matter.
Relieved to remind me to be patient with myself, Ricky & Charley.


After talking to my doctor he concluded I had what's called a Blighted Ovum
Which is pretty much when the body recognizes such abnormalities from the sperm or egg and terminates the pregnancy. An empty sac is present but nothing develops within the sac.
Also weird because I still felt pregnant even though nothing was progressing.

What's also ironic is when I knew I could go either way, I was already in "trust the body" mode.
I had never even heard of a blighted ovum until 4 days ago so it's very weird that we were cracking jokes about it being the sperms fault (which is very possible with a blighted ovum).
Next Steps: Follow up ultrasound to make sure all tissue is out of the uterus and other than that I am pretty much back to normal & even more grateful than I was before


My doctor also told me that every woman goes into pregnancy with a 15% chance of miscarriage - again MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR.
Since I have now had 2 with a living child in between my % has gone up about 10% so now I go into pregnancy with a 25% chance of miscarriage. I am sure that next time will be fine, but I will keep you updated whenever that happens!

This is not my ultrasound, I actually don't have any images of my ultrasounds. But my sac was about half the size (maybe even smaller) with extremely thin walls, my hematoma also was much larger (this hematoma also looks to be clotted which mine was not). But you get the general idea of how scary this looks when it is EXTREMELY close to invading the space which should be holding your baby.

<3

Sub-Chorionic Hemorrhage & Miscarriage

Deep Breath.

First of all I want to say how amazing my friends, family and entire support system are. The outpouring support from everyone including people I haven't seen or talked to in almost a decade has been incredible and I am blessed to be lifted up by all the prayer, thoughts & well wishes.

While many people including myself were pulling for a better outcome - I trust my body's ability to make decisions. The empty gestational sac was more concerning than the hemorrhage although the word hemorrhage in itself is pretty intimidating.

I woke up yesterday morning still feeling like I was on the edge of a cliff.
But I knew what was going to happen.
The night before I had been having some intense, dull cramping.
Clots, clots and more clots.
The more I bled the more my symptoms were lessening.

I had my 48 hour blood draw -- as if I wasn't already feeling like I was bleeding to death what's one more vial!? 

I came home and was lying down watching The Aristocats with Charley when my phone started ringing.
My doctor told me that my numbers have dropped 1,000 in 48 hours.
I have lost the pregnancy & as the numbers continue to drop my body is going to begin eliminating.
I will detail what I was told because I know this is the internet, I know how many people will read this looking for answers so here they are.

Your body starts to contract like a less intense labor.
It's pretty painful but not quite as intense as labor.
You begin to pass clots, mass amounts of blood & slimy tissue.
The pain lessens with each clump/tissue that is passed.
What my doctor told me to look for was the sac which he described would be the size of or larger than a fifty cent piece and would look like raw ground beef.
Nice and gruesome in the spirit of Halloween. 

So here I am inspecting the massacre in the toilet every time so that I can let my doctor know when the sac is gone in order to hopefully avoid medical intervention on Monday.

I am doing amazing though and that is the truth. 
Better than I would have ever expected. 
I wouldn't say this is an easy thing physically & emotionally but it is happening regardless of what I have to say or think about it.
I know there are women that have been down this same road multiple times as I am currently 1/3 when it comes to baby-making and I know they do what I did the first time. I know they lock themselves away to deal with this privately and that's okay - so long as you aren't ashamed.

The body is beautiful, and I 100% trust my body to do what knows best for me and my babies.
My body does not kill babies or betray me. It protects me and my babies so that we can all be healthy. From a scientific standpoint it's a miracle any of us are alive.
Everything has to line up just perfectly and when it doesn't - it doesn't work.
I mean just look at anyone you love and tell me it's not perfection?

Don't get me wrong you mourn the idea of your due date, the idea of your expanding family on a certain date. You are crushed because you feel so physically different & then it is stripped from you and that is a hard concept.

When you become vulnerable to sharing your life story you weigh a lot of different options.
People will think it's for attention, pity & more.
I share my life & I open up because it is therapeutic for me.
The last time I went through something like this I told maybe 5 people and I locked myself in my bedroom in the dark for weeks. I was full of hate. Disappointment. Failure. Anger. I stewed in dismay & frustration. I hated my body. My body KILLED MY BABY and I was pissed. Every time I saw someone pregnant I stewed. If they were due the same month I was supposed to be due I put myself in misery. Especially when they were having unplanned babies and I was actively trying to start a family. There was one thing that infuriated me and it was people who got pregnant on accident while I was trying everything I could and my body just couldn't. I wanted people to suffer the hurt I was experiencing. I hate to say it out loud - I hate to say that I wanted people to suffer, but I did.
& today I have a different point of view.
THEIR JOY & THEIR PREGNANCY IS AND NEVER WILL BE ANY OF MY BUSINESS. 
The same day I announced my SCH at least 4 other people announced they were expecting & due within weeks of me. I truly am happy for them, excited for them & I am not sorry for myself like I was years ago. I would NEVER wish this pain & heartache on anyone, let alone my friends.

The age old "recommendation" is not to tell people about pregnancy until you are out of the 12 week danger zone which was my plan. I didn't tell the world I was pregnant with Charley for a while and I planned on surprising everyone with this one. This recommendation I suppose is so that you don't have to tell everyone when you miscarry because of all those emotions that come to surface. I was humiliated when I had to tell everyone that I miscarried. Not only are you disappointed in yourself but other people that haven't been there really don't know what to say so they try to be supportive and end up saying something offensive so it's a tangled mess.

This situation was completely different.

Even after my SCH diagnosis I wasn't planning on telling more than our parents and a friend that I had to tell in order to get a hold of Ricky last weekend.
But I knew I couldn't bottle it up. I had friends that were wondering why I had to cancel certain plans, I had friends that were concerned when I asked for prayer so I opened up & I am extremely grateful that I did.

I absolutely am at peace.
If you are going through something similar I hope that you find peace, reach out to your support system because they will lift you up & they'll lift you up higher than you could ever imagine.
I am so blessed, thank you for thinking of me & of us.

Lastly, not to discount this experience at all, I would have taken, carried and love this child if my body allowed. I am also grateful that I won't be stressing about a hemorrhage during an entire pregnancy. I am hoping that the next time around I can hold Charley, that I can continue to work out & be happy & that instead of feeling sorry for me now, you can celebrate with us later, when we are all healthy & less stressed.

<3