Gossip Girl

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit a lot of these things but I'm also excited to get them published and on paper so that if I'm ever in that horrible state of mind I can read these words and snap out of the toxic turmoil.

So here I am- 25 years old.
I stand tall as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a niece, grand-daughter, a friend, a stranger and sometimes even a lunatic.

Today I stand confident, complete & peaceful.
I am healthy, whole, and full of life.
Raw.

6 months ago I wasn't here.
I was angry, frustrated, annoyed, bothered, envious, ungrateful & just plain bitchy.
I don't know if I can even chalk it up to depression, because I was just plain miserable without reason.
I pretended to care about people and situations so that I'd have something to talk about, something to stew over, and a reason to stay angry and annoyed.


I found myself trapped in something like this
I sat in the bottom, in shackles allowing other people to control the lid to the well.
Their actions either kept the lid closed, or let the sunshine in.
I was the victim.
If they did something I didn't agree with; I was so invested it was like the lid stayed closed.
If they did something that I did agree with; or I wasn't jealous of the sunshine came beaming through. I wasn't really happy for them, I was happy for myself; for the sunshine.

It's fucked up, but it's all true. 

I feel completely stupid saying this today.
I was so immature and disrupted but what I was feeling was so intense it was holding me in misery.

I decided I was sick of the dark, lonely, cold well & began the journey out.
First I lost the shackles and slowly climbed to the top & when I got there I found nobody holding the lid.
I gained control over myself & in that I stopped trying to control everyone & everything else.
-- I'm a type A personality -- control makes me feel safe, but I was forcing some type of control on the things that I literally can NOT control.

I stopped allowing the actions of others to disrupt my peace.
I started cheering for my friends & family on their victories instead of twisting it into a competition centered around me.
I'm not a good actress anyway and pretending to be happy for someone else is a hard thing to act out.
I found happiness, life, love & light.

I started listening, engaging & talking.
I started living, again.

Over the last 2 months, my head hits the pillow and more and more I close my eyes and tell myself that if today were the last day on Earth, I could die happy; fulfilled.

I still have a lot of life left to do on my agenda,

so cheers to peace.