Sub-Chorionic Hemorrhage & Miscarriage

Deep Breath.

First of all I want to say how amazing my friends, family and entire support system are. The outpouring support from everyone including people I haven't seen or talked to in almost a decade has been incredible and I am blessed to be lifted up by all the prayer, thoughts & well wishes.

While many people including myself were pulling for a better outcome - I trust my body's ability to make decisions. The empty gestational sac was more concerning than the hemorrhage although the word hemorrhage in itself is pretty intimidating.

I woke up yesterday morning still feeling like I was on the edge of a cliff.
But I knew what was going to happen.
The night before I had been having some intense, dull cramping.
Clots, clots and more clots.
The more I bled the more my symptoms were lessening.

I had my 48 hour blood draw -- as if I wasn't already feeling like I was bleeding to death what's one more vial!? 

I came home and was lying down watching The Aristocats with Charley when my phone started ringing.
My doctor told me that my numbers have dropped 1,000 in 48 hours.
I have lost the pregnancy & as the numbers continue to drop my body is going to begin eliminating.
I will detail what I was told because I know this is the internet, I know how many people will read this looking for answers so here they are.

Your body starts to contract like a less intense labor.
It's pretty painful but not quite as intense as labor.
You begin to pass clots, mass amounts of blood & slimy tissue.
The pain lessens with each clump/tissue that is passed.
What my doctor told me to look for was the sac which he described would be the size of or larger than a fifty cent piece and would look like raw ground beef.
Nice and gruesome in the spirit of Halloween. 

So here I am inspecting the massacre in the toilet every time so that I can let my doctor know when the sac is gone in order to hopefully avoid medical intervention on Monday.

I am doing amazing though and that is the truth. 
Better than I would have ever expected. 
I wouldn't say this is an easy thing physically & emotionally but it is happening regardless of what I have to say or think about it.
I know there are women that have been down this same road multiple times as I am currently 1/3 when it comes to baby-making and I know they do what I did the first time. I know they lock themselves away to deal with this privately and that's okay - so long as you aren't ashamed.

The body is beautiful, and I 100% trust my body to do what knows best for me and my babies.
My body does not kill babies or betray me. It protects me and my babies so that we can all be healthy. From a scientific standpoint it's a miracle any of us are alive.
Everything has to line up just perfectly and when it doesn't - it doesn't work.
I mean just look at anyone you love and tell me it's not perfection?

Don't get me wrong you mourn the idea of your due date, the idea of your expanding family on a certain date. You are crushed because you feel so physically different & then it is stripped from you and that is a hard concept.

When you become vulnerable to sharing your life story you weigh a lot of different options.
People will think it's for attention, pity & more.
I share my life & I open up because it is therapeutic for me.
The last time I went through something like this I told maybe 5 people and I locked myself in my bedroom in the dark for weeks. I was full of hate. Disappointment. Failure. Anger. I stewed in dismay & frustration. I hated my body. My body KILLED MY BABY and I was pissed. Every time I saw someone pregnant I stewed. If they were due the same month I was supposed to be due I put myself in misery. Especially when they were having unplanned babies and I was actively trying to start a family. There was one thing that infuriated me and it was people who got pregnant on accident while I was trying everything I could and my body just couldn't. I wanted people to suffer the hurt I was experiencing. I hate to say it out loud - I hate to say that I wanted people to suffer, but I did.
& today I have a different point of view.
THEIR JOY & THEIR PREGNANCY IS AND NEVER WILL BE ANY OF MY BUSINESS. 
The same day I announced my SCH at least 4 other people announced they were expecting & due within weeks of me. I truly am happy for them, excited for them & I am not sorry for myself like I was years ago. I would NEVER wish this pain & heartache on anyone, let alone my friends.

The age old "recommendation" is not to tell people about pregnancy until you are out of the 12 week danger zone which was my plan. I didn't tell the world I was pregnant with Charley for a while and I planned on surprising everyone with this one. This recommendation I suppose is so that you don't have to tell everyone when you miscarry because of all those emotions that come to surface. I was humiliated when I had to tell everyone that I miscarried. Not only are you disappointed in yourself but other people that haven't been there really don't know what to say so they try to be supportive and end up saying something offensive so it's a tangled mess.

This situation was completely different.

Even after my SCH diagnosis I wasn't planning on telling more than our parents and a friend that I had to tell in order to get a hold of Ricky last weekend.
But I knew I couldn't bottle it up. I had friends that were wondering why I had to cancel certain plans, I had friends that were concerned when I asked for prayer so I opened up & I am extremely grateful that I did.

I absolutely am at peace.
If you are going through something similar I hope that you find peace, reach out to your support system because they will lift you up & they'll lift you up higher than you could ever imagine.
I am so blessed, thank you for thinking of me & of us.

Lastly, not to discount this experience at all, I would have taken, carried and love this child if my body allowed. I am also grateful that I won't be stressing about a hemorrhage during an entire pregnancy. I am hoping that the next time around I can hold Charley, that I can continue to work out & be happy & that instead of feeling sorry for me now, you can celebrate with us later, when we are all healthy & less stressed.

<3

Sub-Chorionic Hemorrhage

Sub-Chorionic Hemorrhage. 

Those 3 words have haunted me since last Friday. 

I had a really good, AWESOME way I was going to surprise my family & everyone else but shit happens so here we are. 

A week ago I went in for what would be my 7 week ultrasound.
The ultrasound tech wasn't overly friendly unlike any of the ultrasounds I have had in the past. She showed me nothing on the screen and maybe said a total of 10 words the entire time.
I left really annoyed.
I didn't expect a sugar - coated anything and I'd get the results the next day from my doctor anyway so whatever.
Last Friday my doctor called me.
It was 4:55pm.
He told me the ultrasound tech report noted I was bleeding (I wasn't. I hadn't bled at all; actually -- more annoyed at ultrasound tech).
My ultrasound also told him there was a small, empty, sac & a sub-chorionic hemorrhage keeping the emptiness company.
"Okay"
We'll repeat the scan in 10 days, make sure to take it easy.
It's too early to do/see much so I'm not sure how big of a problem, if any this is.
"Okay"

I love my doctor.
I don't know what Charley's outcome would have been had I not had him.
I LOVE MY DOCTOR.

This is not the first time I received news like this.
I went through the broken, empty, lonely heartache prior to Charley & I was bracing myself for an answer that could go either way.


Ricky was away on a man's trip out of cell phone reception.
I had plans for the weekend & I couldn't google until later that night so everything went.
Eventually Ricky got reception and he came home the next day.
I cancelled some weekend plans that weren't really considered taking it easy.

Yesterday I woke up earlier than normal just feeling off.
& there it was after my morning pee.
The color you don't want to see when you're pregnant.

My doctor didn't open for 2 more hours so I called when they opened and left a message for the nurse. Of course, my doctor was in surgery all day and both his nurses were out so another equally talented nurse called me and got me on the books with another doctor. I called Ricky, made arrangements for Charley and waited. Panicked.

From what I have researched sub-chorionic hemorrhages effect a small percentage of pregnancies.
An even smaller percentage are symptomatic (ie: bleeding).
MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR.
There is little known about them and what causes them etc but they are a continued threat (& complete annoyance).


Here's the thing:
When you have what they call a "bleed" it scares the shit out of you because you also pass clots much like a miscarriage. Some "bleeds" reabsorb and it's a done deal, some people bleed until giving birth.
They're not a threat to me, but they are a threat to a baby.
It is basically a sac of blood that is the cream filling in the Oreo in what should be the baby & the uterus.

We dropped Charley off & with tears in my eyes as I explained to my parents what my appointment was for & that I didn't know what to expect. As I was crying and trying to explain the unknown Charley just looked me in the eyes and yelled "MOM ITS OKAY" at least 20 times. She's such an optimist.

Things like this are hard.
You hold it together with nervousness in the back of your mind.
Hoping for the best & preparing for the worst.

I knew the appointment could go a couple ways.
I was truly hoping to see a gummy-bear-baby splashing around with a shrinking hemorrhage but what we saw was a small, empty, thin walled gestational sac with a growing, moving hemorrhage that looked like thick mud making it's way closer to the sac.

The doctor told me my clinical diagnosis is an "at risk miscarriage."
It's too early to tell what's going on with the hemorrhage & the sac.
I will be doing a quantitative HcG where they checked my levels yesterday and will check again tomorrow for progress, regress or staying the same & from there we will have a game plan.

I am not completely out of the game - yet.

While most people see cardiac activity around 6 weeks I didn't see it until right at 8 weeks with Charley & I know my cycle like a master so it's possible that my body just works a little slower when it comes to getting these things going.
My lady parts like to play tricks on me so my due date was also pushed back 10 days when I was around 10 weeks with Charley and she still made her debut a week early.

SO

at this point I am not really sure what to expect.
I'm literally in the center with an outcome that could go either way.


It is hard. 
I've done it before but I never thought I'd have to go through it again.
My body has already carried a perfect baby - surely it could do it again??
I am at peace with either outcome while still hoping for the best.

I am blessed to have a healthy little girl & a husband that understands compassion and empathy & even adds a little humor to lighten the mood. We have been through for better & for worse before & we'll be there many more times.
I am hurt because a miscarriage feels like betrayal by your own body & it sucks.
I'm also in pain from the moving hemorrhage & I can't even pick up my own daughter.
But I am okay.
Charley was a rainbow baby and I wouldn't take back any part of what I went through to have her.
I would do it a thousand times if I had to.

So thank you all for the continued prayers, support & well wishes.
I will update as soon as I have some answers.

Scout 2.0

Although I have been quiet about Scout...
I still want my dog back.

I just can't emotionally -
I can't continue to share his picture endlessly.

It's not that I don't care, or that I forgot. 

It's that every time I do, my eyes water, my throat tightens and I can't torture myself like this. 

Leave it to a dog to do something to your heart like what he did to me. 

But with a face like that how can you blame me? 

It's been 2 years and 9 days. 

I subconsciously know when the 18th of every month is even if I'm trying not to remember why the 18th is such a remarkable day. 

It's amazing how the bad things just re-open themselves like a wound that NEVER goes away. 

I promised to give up on anger.

To give up on the victim mentality. 

To find the light. 

To believe that Scout is with a family that loves him. 

Someone that loves him like I did, like I still do. 

Someone that for the love of god is not feeding him lamb. 

I mean 

EVERY

SINGLE

TIME

there is a number I don't know calling me my heart pauses.

Hoping it's the microchip company or a local vet calling to tell me they found him and that he's safe. 

But it's not & hasn't been. 

Or every time I see someone walking a dog with a long tail and a white chest I have to slam on the brakes to examine.

I still know one day it will be.

So if you have found a dog - maybe a dog that was scared.
A dog that was timid like Scout was, I hope you follow protocol.
That you check for a chip.
I hope that you don't assume.
That you give a family a chance.
Some people don't care about their dogs like I do, but sometimes dogs are lost and they do belong to people like me, people that are still hurting.

If the family never comes, it's free game.
Take it & love it.

But please don't come to your own conclusions and take that opportunity from people like me.

& thank you to everyone who empathizes with us.
To those who have endlessly shared, hoped, prayed.
Who have looked, called, messaged us and who are as hopeful as us.

I know we will Find Scout.