Oils for Everyone

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Blighted Ovum & Humor

Thank god I survived another October.
October is my shit month.
Maybe I attract it?
I don't know but I'm pretty certain that when I die it will be in October.

So a couple things.
I have almost completely stopped bleeding.
It's only been 8 days of bloody hell. (my best british accent there).

I have to back pedal for a second. 
Ricky and I eloped about 3 weeks after we decided we wanted to actually get married.
& We had only been "official" for maybe a month??
I think everyone assumed I was pregnant or we were stupid.
Maybe both??
Some people thought it was revenge at an ex-boyfriend of mine, HA. A little too extreme for me.
But in truth, we simply loved each other.

I think if I would have looked into the future at everything we've been through in the past 7 years I think the odds would say that our shotgun marriage wouldn't last.
We lived the first 2 years so incredibly broke.
Carls Jr. could have broken our bank - literally.

Life together has been incredible.
Incredibly stressful at a lot of times.
Incredibly heart breaking.
& incredibly beautiful.

Last Thursday I was on my 3rd shower by 2pm.
I went in there because I couldn't take a bath and it was the place where it felt okay to cry.
Ricky came in and told me "I hope you're not mad at yourself."
I told him that I wasn't. That I was a little bit disappointed but I couldn't feel guilty because every time I look at Charley I know that if I didn't lose that last one I wouldn't have HER.
I mean I'm sure I would love another just the same but it wouldn't be HER and there's not a single thing I would change about her.

So as I stood in the hottest water I could manage taking deep breaths and trying to convince myself that this heart break will be worth it, just like it was with Charley --
Ricky says "it's probably not even your fault. It's probably been my swimmers this whole time."
I jokingly said "So I should be mad at you then?"

There's the smile, laughter, and sunlight.
There's the reason we have made it - the reason we don't break. The reason we pick up where we're at and move forward.
The reason I married him when I was 18 & the reason we have both sacrificed so much for each other.

It's funny how words work. 
They make or break you.
Words can brighten up darkness the same way we turn on a light when we walk into a room.

Monday I had my follow up appointment.
The staff entered my room quietly and empathetically like I was damaged goods.
I told them I really was okay. That I was more relieved than anything because that SCH scared the shit out of me.
The day prior I told a good friend the same thing.
I told her how guilty I felt saying that I was relieved.
(I thought, I hope that doesn't make me sound like a bad mom??)
 She provided comfort and reassurance when I told her how relieved I felt. She said she felt the same relief when going through a later loss than I had. We talked about how they would never suffer and that's the ultimate mothers wish anyway, right? Take the suffering from our kiddos?

I am relieved.
Relieved that his abnormal pregnancy ended the way it did, when it did.
Relieved I could hold my daughter.
Relieved I wouldn't have 9 months of being on the edge of a cliff knowing that if I picked up my crying daughter it could result in a spontaneous abortion for her little brother or sister.
Relieved that I was not damaged goods.
Relieved that had this pregnancy continued and led to a full term pregnancy there's no telling what abnormalities we would face as a family.
Relieved that I have this heartbreaking reminder again.
So that when I do have another baby, one that might be colicky like Charley was that I would be so grateful to have another it wouldn't matter.
Relieved to remind me to be patient with myself, Ricky & Charley.


After talking to my doctor he concluded I had what's called a Blighted Ovum
Which is pretty much when the body recognizes such abnormalities from the sperm or egg and terminates the pregnancy. An empty sac is present but nothing develops within the sac.
Also weird because I still felt pregnant even though nothing was progressing.

What's also ironic is when I knew I could go either way, I was already in "trust the body" mode.
I had never even heard of a blighted ovum until 4 days ago so it's very weird that we were cracking jokes about it being the sperms fault (which is very possible with a blighted ovum).
Next Steps: Follow up ultrasound to make sure all tissue is out of the uterus and other than that I am pretty much back to normal & even more grateful than I was before


My doctor also told me that every woman goes into pregnancy with a 15% chance of miscarriage - again MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR.
Since I have now had 2 with a living child in between my % has gone up about 10% so now I go into pregnancy with a 25% chance of miscarriage. I am sure that next time will be fine, but I will keep you updated whenever that happens!



This is not my ultrasound, I actually don't have any images of my ultrasounds. But my sac was about half the size (maybe even smaller) with extremely thin walls, my hematoma also was much larger (this hematoma also looks to be clotted which mine was not). But you get the general idea of how scary this looks when it is EXTREMELY close to invading the space which should be holding your baby.

<3

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Sub-Chorionic Hemorrhage & Miscarriage

Deep Breath.

First of all I want to say how amazing my friends, family and entire support system are. The outpouring support from everyone including people I haven't seen or talked to in almost a decade has been incredible and I am blessed to be lifted up by all the prayer, thoughts & well wishes.

While many people including myself were pulling for a better outcome - I trust my body's ability to make decisions. The empty gestational sac was more concerning than the hemorrhage although the word hemorrhage in itself is pretty intimidating.

I woke up yesterday morning still feeling like I was on the edge of a cliff.
But I knew what was going to happen.
The night before I had been having some intense, dull cramping.
Clots, clots and more clots.
The more I bled the more my symptoms were lessening.

I had my 48 hour blood draw -- as if I wasn't already feeling like I was bleeding to death what's one more vial!? 

I came home and was lying down watching The Aristocats with Charley when my phone started ringing.
My doctor told me that my numbers have dropped 1,000 in 48 hours.
I have lost the pregnancy & as the numbers continue to drop my body is going to begin eliminating.
I will detail what I was told because I know this is the internet, I know how many people will read this looking for answers so here they are.

Your body starts to contract like a less intense labor.
It's pretty painful but not quite as intense as labor.
You begin to pass clots, mass amounts of blood & slimy tissue.
The pain lessens with each clump/tissue that is passed.
What my doctor told me to look for was the sac which he described would be the size of or larger than a fifty cent piece and would look like raw ground beef.
Nice and gruesome in the spirit of Halloween. 

So here I am inspecting the massacre in the toilet every time so that I can let my doctor know when the sac is gone in order to hopefully avoid medical intervention on Monday.

I am doing amazing though and that is the truth. 
Better than I would have ever expected. 
I wouldn't say this is an easy thing physically & emotionally but it is happening regardless of what I have to say or think about it.
I know there are women that have been down this same road multiple times as I am currently 1/3 when it comes to baby-making and I know they do what I did the first time. I know they lock themselves away to deal with this privately and that's okay - so long as you aren't ashamed.

The body is beautiful, and I 100% trust my body to do what knows best for me and my babies.
My body does not kill babies or betray me. It protects me and my babies so that we can all be healthy. From a scientific standpoint it's a miracle any of us are alive.
Everything has to line up just perfectly and when it doesn't - it doesn't work.
I mean just look at anyone you love and tell me it's not perfection?

Don't get me wrong you mourn the idea of your due date, the idea of your expanding family on a certain date. You are crushed because you feel so physically different & then it is stripped from you and that is a hard concept.

When you become vulnerable to sharing your life story you weigh a lot of different options.
People will think it's for attention, pity & more.
I share my life & I open up because it is therapeutic for me.
The last time I went through something like this I told maybe 5 people and I locked myself in my bedroom in the dark for weeks. I was full of hate. Disappointment. Failure. Anger. I stewed in dismay & frustration. I hated my body. My body KILLED MY BABY and I was pissed. Every time I saw someone pregnant I stewed. If they were due the same month I was supposed to be due I put myself in misery. Especially when they were having unplanned babies and I was actively trying to start a family. There was one thing that infuriated me and it was people who got pregnant on accident while I was trying everything I could and my body just couldn't. I wanted people to suffer the hurt I was experiencing. I hate to say it out loud - I hate to say that I wanted people to suffer, but I did.
& today I have a different point of view.
THEIR JOY & THEIR PREGNANCY IS AND NEVER WILL BE ANY OF MY BUSINESS. 
The same day I announced my SCH at least 4 other people announced they were expecting & due within weeks of me. I truly am happy for them, excited for them & I am not sorry for myself like I was years ago. I would NEVER wish this pain & heartache on anyone, let alone my friends.

The age old "recommendation" is not to tell people about pregnancy until you are out of the 12 week danger zone which was my plan. I didn't tell the world I was pregnant with Charley for a while and I planned on surprising everyone with this one. This recommendation I suppose is so that you don't have to tell everyone when you miscarry because of all those emotions that come to surface. I was humiliated when I had to tell everyone that I miscarried. Not only are you disappointed in yourself but other people that haven't been there really don't know what to say so they try to be supportive and end up saying something offensive so it's a tangled mess.

This situation was completely different.

Even after my SCH diagnosis I wasn't planning on telling more than our parents and a friend that I had to tell in order to get a hold of Ricky last weekend.
But I knew I couldn't bottle it up. I had friends that were wondering why I had to cancel certain plans, I had friends that were concerned when I asked for prayer so I opened up & I am extremely grateful that I did.

I absolutely am at peace.
If you are going through something similar I hope that you find peace, reach out to your support system because they will lift you up & they'll lift you up higher than you could ever imagine.
I am so blessed, thank you for thinking of me & of us.

Lastly, not to discount this experience at all, I would have taken, carried and love this child if my body allowed. I am also grateful that I won't be stressing about a hemorrhage during an entire pregnancy. I am hoping that the next time around I can hold Charley, that I can continue to work out & be happy & that instead of feeling sorry for me now, you can celebrate with us later, when we are all healthy & less stressed.

<3


Thursday, October 29, 2015

Sub-Chorionic Hemorrhage

Sub-Chorionic Hemorrhage. 
Those 3 words have haunted me since last Friday. 
I had a really good, AWESOME way I was going to surprise my family & everyone else but shit happens so here we are. 

A week ago I went in for what would be my 7 week ultrasound.
The ultrasound tech wasn't overly friendly unlike any of the ultrasounds I have had in the past. She showed me nothing on the screen and maybe said a total of 10 words the entire time.
I left really annoyed.
I didn't expect a sugar - coated anything and I'd get the results the next day from my doctor anyway so whatever.
Last Friday my doctor called me.
It was 4:55pm.
He told me the ultrasound tech report noted I was bleeding (I wasn't. I hadn't bled at all; actually -- more annoyed at ultrasound tech).
My ultrasound also told him there was a small, empty, sac & a sub-chorionic hemorrhage keeping the emptiness company.
"Okay"
We'll repeat the scan in 10 days, make sure to take it easy.
It's too early to do/see much so I'm not sure how big of a problem, if any this is.
"Okay"

I love my doctor.
I don't know what Charley's outcome would have been had I not had him.
I LOVE MY DOCTOR.

This is not the first time I received news like this.
I went through the broken, empty, lonely heartache prior to Charley & I was bracing myself for an answer that could go either way.


Ricky was away on a man's trip out of cell phone reception.
I had plans for the weekend & I couldn't google until later that night so everything went.
Eventually Ricky got reception and he came home the next day.
I cancelled some weekend plans that weren't really considered taking it easy.

Yesterday I woke up earlier than normal just feeling off.
& there it was after my morning pee.
The color you don't want to see when you're pregnant.

My doctor didn't open for 2 more hours so I called when they opened and left a message for the nurse. Of course, my doctor was in surgery all day and both his nurses were out so another equally talented nurse called me and got me on the books with another doctor. I called Ricky, made arrangements for Charley and waited. Panicked.

From what I have researched sub-chorionic hemorrhages effect a small percentage of pregnancies.
An even smaller percentage are symptomatic (ie: bleeding).
MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR.
There is little known about them and what causes them etc but they are a continued threat (& complete annoyance).


Here's the thing:
When you have what they call a "bleed" it scares the shit out of you because you also pass clots much like a miscarriage. Some "bleeds" reabsorb and it's a done deal, some people bleed until giving birth.
They're not a threat to me, but they are a threat to a baby.
It is basically a sac of blood that is the cream filling in the Oreo in what should be the baby & the uterus.

We dropped Charley off & with tears in my eyes as I explained to my parents what my appointment was for & that I didn't know what to expect. As I was crying and trying to explain the unknown Charley just looked me in the eyes and yelled "MOM ITS OKAY" at least 20 times. She's such an optimist.

Things like this are hard.
You hold it together with nervousness in the back of your mind.
Hoping for the best & preparing for the worst.

I knew the appointment could go a couple ways.
I was truly hoping to see a gummy-bear-baby splashing around with a shrinking hemorrhage but what we saw was a small, empty, thin walled gestational sac with a growing, moving hemorrhage that looked like thick mud making it's way closer to the sac.

The doctor told me my clinical diagnosis is an "at risk miscarriage."
It's too early to tell what's going on with the hemorrhage & the sac.
I will be doing a quantitative HcG where they checked my levels yesterday and will check again tomorrow for progress, regress or staying the same & from there we will have a game plan.

I am not completely out of the game - yet.

While most people see cardiac activity around 6 weeks I didn't see it until right at 8 weeks with Charley & I know my cycle like a master so it's possible that my body just works a little slower when it comes to getting these things going.
My lady parts like to play tricks on me so my due date was also pushed back 10 days when I was around 10 weeks with Charley and she still made her debut a week early.

SO

at this point I am not really sure what to expect.
I'm literally in the center with an outcome that could go either way.


It is hard. 
I've done it before but I never thought I'd have to go through it again.
My body has already carried a perfect baby - surely it could do it again??
I am at peace with either outcome while still hoping for the best.


I am blessed to have a healthy little girl & a husband that understands compassion and empathy & even adds a little humor to lighten the mood. We have been through for better & for worse before & we'll be there many more times.
I am hurt because a miscarriage feels like betrayal by your own body & it sucks.
I'm also in pain from the moving hemorrhage & I can't even pick up my own daughter.
But I am okay.
Charley was a rainbow baby and I wouldn't take back any part of what I went through to have her.
I would do it a thousand times if I had to.

So thank you all for the continued prayers, support & well wishes.
I will update as soon as I have some answers.


Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Scout 2.0

Although I have been quiet about Scout...
I still want my dog back.
I just can't emotionally -
I can't continue to share his picture endlessly.
It's not that I don't care, or that I forgot. 
It's that every time I do, my eyes water, my throat tightens and I can't torture myself like this. 


Leave it to a dog to do something to your heart like what he did to me. 
But with a face like that how can you blame me? 


It's been 2 years and 9 days. 
I subconsciously know when the 18th of every month is even if I'm trying not to remember why the 18th is such a remarkable day. 
It's amazing how the bad things just re-open themselves like a wound that NEVER goes away. 

I promised to give up on anger.
To give up on the victim mentality. 

To find the light. 
To believe that Scout is with a family that loves him. 
Someone that loves him like I did, like I still do. 
Someone that for the love of god is not feeding him lamb. 


I mean 
EVERY
SINGLE
TIME
there is a number I don't know calling me my heart pauses.
Hoping it's the microchip company or a local vet calling to tell me they found him and that he's safe. 
But it's not & hasn't been. 
Or every time I see someone walking a dog with a long tail and a white chest I have to slam on the brakes to examine.

I still know one day it will be.




So if you have found a dog - maybe a dog that was scared.
A dog that was timid like Scout was, I hope you follow protocol.
That you check for a chip.
I hope that you don't assume.
That you give a family a chance.
Some people don't care about their dogs like I do, but sometimes dogs are lost and they do belong to people like me, people that are still hurting.

If the family never comes, it's free game.
Take it & love it.

But please don't come to your own conclusions and take that opportunity from people like me.

& thank you to everyone who empathizes with us.
To those who have endlessly shared, hoped, prayed.
Who have looked, called, messaged us and who are as hopeful as us.

I know we will Find Scout.





Saturday, September 26, 2015

Charley's Debut Do-Over: What to REALLY expect when you're expecting

This one time I was approached about essential oils.
It was around October 2013. I was pregnant with Charley; my back was killing me (Oh, how things change, yet stay the same).
I was offered a sample of some blue stuff (Soothing Blend) and declined because I was too good for that hippy stuff.
Taking my portable massage chair everywhere I went made wayyyy more sense.  

I never thought about an essential oil again. 

Charley changed me forever on January 3rd. 
There was something about her perfect 7 pound 14 ounce body that changed the way I loved; forever. 
About an hour before her birth I heard her 150+ bpm heart lower, and lower, and lower. 
The monitor next to my ear sounded like a car dying as it runs out of gas. 

I began silently begging to a god that I didn't know if I even believed in. 
I promised I would be a good person; a good mother; and do my best with Charley. 
I pleaded for him to save my baby.  
My baby that I never knew I could love so much. 
I glanced at the screen... 28bpm.
I could have thrown up. 
What is happening? 
Is this normal? 

I look at Ricky, he stood there strong; like a rock. 
Not showing a single ounce of fear.

Oxygen on my face, 
A room full of people, 
a shot in my arm 
& a stopped labor.

Her heartbeat started increasing. 

 Ricky suited up, I was wheeled back to the O.R. placed onto a separate table laid out naked, drugged and exposed to an audience. My doctor had an intern and I think Ricky about passed out from the smells and the details my doctor shared with the intern. What seemed like a lifetime (20 minutes later) we would meet my perfect baby that my prayers & an excellent hospital staff spared for us.


Charley was 2 days old when my longest friend & his mom brought me a gift for her; inside there was a small vial of lavender. 
I was high on pain medication (c-section survivor) but I remember Narelle telling me something about lavender, Charley's feet, and about her being restless.
Okayyyyy - put that back in the bag, "thanxxxx

That entire day I was struggling to get Charley to latch, what's up mastitis? 
Later that night the nurse would tell me that my perfect baby was turning yellow. 

Hey Jaundice.
Welcome to the party!
Jaundice is typically caused from a premature liver & in turn the inability to get billirubin out of the bloodstream.

I would be a crying, laughing, OF COURSE THIS IS MY LIFE mess in front of 2 of our close friends and they were unsure of my high state of mind & misfortune of a series of events I had planned differently in my mind. 
Blame my hormones, K?

So she had to stay on a bed & a wand for ___ amount of days. 

I busted out of that hospital on day 4 like I had never seen life outside those walls. 
Telling me to wear those stupid leg things, telling me how many times I have to pee, telling me how many times I have to pump - GO AWAY 
I (don't) know what I'm doing.

As I left the hospital they told me to also place her somewhere by a window so the "sunlight" could help.
It's January in Salt Lake City. 
We haven't seen the "sunlight" since October. 

The billi bed & wand were at our house before we even got home. ($$$)
Jaundice killed me. I wanted to hold her, cuddle her, nurture her, smell her & I couldn't. 
She had to be on the bed at all times except for feedings & diaper changes. 
We had to drive downtown to have her billiruben levels checked daily for the next week. 
Every bump in the car felt like my incision was going to bust at the seems. 

Next Chapter Obstacle: 
Every time Charley ate; her knees came into her belly button followed by a loud, uncomfortable scream. 
Ricky & I at one point joked that we had a fire breathing baby!! 

Oh & here's how I won stupidest mom award:
I anxiously awaited her to become 2 weeks old so I could use this godsend called gripe water & gas drops
Holy shit were they awesome. 
Every bottle, like literally was laced with gripe water and gas drops because I was "preventing" her gas & tummy troubles.
I am so smart!! 

When Charley was 3 weeks new my aunt came into town. 
She was washing dishes and showed me how the nipple came out of the bottle ring
(No I didn't know that. Yes I read what to expect when you're expecting - they didn't say shit about this).

 So I'm sitting there amazed because the nipple comes off the ring. 
WOW.
Then I'm drying them and I see something etched on the rim.
It's a 3. 
So I google
"3 on advent bottle"

Must've missed this chart!

OHHH. 
You've been alive for 3 weeks and I'm drowning you in a bottle that's made for babies that are 3-6 months. 
NO WONDER YOUR STOMACH HURTS. 
(cuss. cuss. cuss. cuss. I'm so f*#^ing stupid!!!!)


Seriously, there needs to be a book about this

So we worked that out. 

I bought about 30 different bottles trying to work through her tummy troubles and around week 7 I think we finally had it figured out. 
Oh, week 7 is also when I stopped breastfeeding because Charley and I both got thrush THREE TIMES. 

Rewind back to week 3: 
This one night I was dying for sleep. 
It was 3am and Charley had been up for like 72 hours which meant I was up for like 72 hours too (or at least it felt like that)  
So I rummage through those hospital gift bags.
Tissue paper -- everywhere. 
Lavender!
Ah!
Okay, feet. 
tiniest little amount.
Okay, wait, 
AH, 
oh.
She's asleep. 
Coincidence. 

You might have thrush if your nipples feel like a jagged piece of glass, that is on fire, is rubbing back and forth on your nipples 24/7.
My lactation consult nurse told me that I had thrush. She told me to go to the pedi for Charley and get lotrimin for my nipples. Yes I rubbed athlete's foot cream on my nipples - because that is probably incredibly unsafe, but it did work. I wouldn't do it again, I also wouldn't recommend that anyone do that. You might get thrush 3 times if you use athlete's foot cream. 
I also smelled of spaghetti sauce & maple syrup in order to get my milk supply to satisfy upset her belly, but I'll give you some solutions for all of these below. 

So let's say hypothetically... with the next baby - I know what I'm doing, & I have a more natural approach:
Let's say I get a rewind & even if it lead to a C-section I still had some other tricks up my sleeve. 


The good news: We're all still alive & life has been much easier than that first little bit.









Thursday, September 24, 2015

Gossip Girl

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit a lot of these things but I'm also excited to get them published and on paper so that if I'm ever in that horrible state of mind I can read these words and snap out of the toxic turmoil.

So here I am- 25 years old.
I stand tall as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a niece, grand-daughter, a friend, a stranger and sometimes even a lunatic.

Today I stand confident, complete & peaceful.
I am healthy, whole, and full of life.
Raw.

6 months ago I wasn't here.
I was angry, frustrated, annoyed, bothered, envious, ungrateful & just plain bitchy.
I don't know if I can even chalk it up to depression, because I was just plain miserable without reason.
I pretended to care about people and situations so that I'd have something to talk about, something to stew over, and a reason to stay angry and annoyed.


I found myself trapped in something like this
I sat in the bottom, in shackles allowing other people to control the lid to the well.
Their actions either kept the lid closed, or let the sunshine in.
I was the victim.
If they did something I didn't agree with; I was so invested it was like the lid stayed closed.
If they did something that I did agree with; or I wasn't jealous of the sunshine came beaming through. I wasn't really happy for them, I was happy for myself; for the sunshine.


It's fucked up, but it's all true. 

I feel completely stupid saying this today.
I was so immature and disrupted but what I was feeling was so intense it was holding me in misery.

I decided I was sick of the dark, lonely, cold well & began the journey out.
First I lost the shackles and slowly climbed to the top & when I got there I found nobody holding the lid.
I gained control over myself & in that I stopped trying to control everyone & everything else.
-- I'm a type A personality -- control makes me feel safe, but I was forcing some type of control on the things that I literally can NOT control.

I stopped allowing the actions of others to disrupt my peace.
I started cheering for my friends & family on their victories instead of twisting it into a competition centered around me.
I'm not a good actress anyway and pretending to be happy for someone else is a hard thing to act out.
I found happiness, life, love & light.

I started listening, engaging & talking.
I started living, again.

Over the last 2 months, my head hits the pillow and more and more I close my eyes and tell myself that if today were the last day on Earth, I could die happy; fulfilled.
I still have a lot of life left to do on my agenda,
so cheers to peace. 





Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Side Effects Poster Child

I wish I wrote down every time I did something completely stupid.
I would have quite the list and I'm sure there'd be hundreds tied for first place.

I did something stupid last week.
& I'm gonna tell you all about it.

I've been using essential oils pretty exclusively for 2.5 years but every now and again I get these stupid thoughts that sometimes even I need OTC medicine --

Now, I know some people are extreme in thinking you can ONLY have essential oils OR modern medicine (ie: pills).

I think at one point I kind of thought that way but there is an amazing balance and calmness when you know you have options.
I know for certain this year I can count on one hand the times I've taken "pills" and I honestly couldn't even tell you the times I did because it is that rare for me.
Actually, I had the shits so bad and had to be somewhere that I doubled up on anti-diarrheal & Digestive Blend, took a nap and woke up with a black tongue. I'm pretty sure it wasn't from the oil.
The FEW times I do take medicine, I always have something go wrong and I've concluded that
I AM THE POSTER CHILD FOR SIDE EFFECTS 
For as long as I can remember I carried Midol & Advil in my purse at all times.
I probably took them OUT of my purse about 2 years ago.
I don't think I even own either one & I can certainly tell you they are NOT in my purse!

So Anyway,
I'm on night 3 or 4 of coughing all facking night long & I'm getting pissed because I just want to sleep without waking myself up 6 times a night and having to dab the tears from my eyes because I'm literally halfway hacking up a lung. I actually thought of sleeping in the recliner just so I'd be a little bit upright and this shit wouldn't keep sliding down the back of my throat, forcing me to cough until I fought off the puke trying to make it's debut. I wasn't throwing up because I had something wrong with my stomach, I was throwing up because my throat was clogged and I couldn't breathe.

So I do my night time routine, some Respiratory Blend on the chest, neti pot with Frankincense, Rosemary & Eucalyptus. Got the humidifier cranked up for this dry, crackling cough-- I didn't take anything in a capsule.
I know... I'm stupid.
I didn't think I was "sick enough" to need a capsule.

WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
STUPID.
STUPID.

We don't really have that much OTC meds in the house, but I managed to find a Mucinex night time.
So I took  it.
I knew within minutes I'd be in weird dream land.


I was coughing worse than I had the nights before, so around 2 am after about 3 hours of misery.. I just knew this mucinex was about to kick in and I'd be able to sleep.
NO.

So after trying to negotiate with myself about falling into a deep enough sleep so the coughing stops, I get out of bed. Pissed.

I walk into the hall and grabbed every oil I could think of that would help with a cough.
I put a little coconut oil on my chest.
Squinting one eye, unscrewing oil bottle after oil bottle I apply one after the other Rosemary, Invigorating Blend, Myrrh, Frankincense, Eucalyptus, Cedarwood, Cardamom, Arborvitae, Melaleuca, Protective Blend all to my chest.
I go grab a facking capsule which I knew I should have done 3 hours prior and pour in
2 drops of Frankincense, Oregano, Lemon, Melaleuca, Cardamom, Protective Blend. Swallow it.
Take all these oils back to my bedroom, start applying them one after the other on the bottoms of my feet begging for some relief & pissed that I doubted what I knew would help me.

Then I lie there thinking "Lindsey you did this to yourself."
Telling myself "I TOLD YOU SO"

I fall asleep.
Silence.


I woke up halfway refreshed, made a couple capsules to get me through the day, break out my travel bag, take my insane amount of "I need relief desperately" oils & go on with my day, with minimal hacking.


I am not sure why I doubted what I KNEW without a doubt would work.
I guess from time to time even I need reassurance that grabbing something with no side effects, something that is so small & powerful is the answer for me & mine.


There's a time & place for everything.

Screw you, Mucinex PM.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Lifestyle GAIN; not Weight LOSS


Motherhood brought countless highs, and unfortunately SO many lows when it came to my body. I made every excuse from being too tired, to not wanting to put my baby in the gym daycare.
Yes, I am a stay at home mom -- I call it a "stay in the van mom" because we are never actually home which makes it difficult to have a workout routine. I couldn't commit to something that was so sporadic. (TYPE A PERSONALITY HERE) It's easy to workout during "nap time" but sometimes nap time doesn't happen, sometimes that's my lunch break and so on and so forth so it was easier to just not.

I'm 5'7'' and at my heaviest I was 152. I'm not exactly a couch potato and I always get *those* looks when I talk about my excess weight because 152 looks so much thinner on someone that's 5'7" compared to someone that's 5". I don't like to use the term "being fat" because the struggle with weight is so much more than "being" anything. If I was "being" anything I was being an awesome mom and I let my body pay the price. And I was okay with that, for a while.
I continued to purchase larger clothes and pushed my pre-pregnancy ones further to the back of the closet. I held onto them hoping that one day they'd eventually fit again.
Eventually I stopped caring about all the accessorizing and appearance worries that accompany being a woman. I don't think I've ever really been high maintenance to begin with BUT I didn't care about much. I cared only about clothes that wouldn't hug my waist because of the excess muffin top.
Ricky and I have been married 7 years.
Over those 7 years I gained about 25 pounds. 2/3 of them coming from post Charley era.
About a year ago I was still sporadic with my workouts and I hit a plateau. No matter what I did or did not eat and how much I did or did not exercise my weight stayed around 147. This is the most discouraging part of weight loss and why I never saw results. Every time I restarted I kept telling myself just stop stopping but somehow a vacation would come around, a sickness, and sometimes just life and here I was starting over.... again.

For the last 2 years I have mostly purchased organic foods and ate what I believed to be more of a balanced diet than most. However, I felt like I needed carbs with every meal or else I didn't feel full. I wasn't ever super heavy on desserts. But Coca Cola. Oh how I LOVED Coke. I loved it so much that knowing how terrible it was for me I still consumed it, and I even enjoyed every sip.

So 5 weeks ago I started over again.
I was mad enough with myself that I just could not get this working out thing to work for me.
I'm a do-er. I'm a not a give-up-er. I am a commiter.
Prior to Charley I went to the gym quite a bit - especially when Ricky was deployed.
I danced and played various sports for most of my adolescent life so I knew some where deep down I had an "athlete" version of myself.
It just really needed some commitment. I did have a brief break up with the scale and I really had to have a clear, focused mind.

I started being conscious about what I ate and how I fueled my body.
I broke up with Coke.
I made it a habit to eat breakfast - a healthy one at that.
I controlled my portions.
I began to eat smaller, more frequent meals.

These are the habits I had to change for me. If you also struggle at the table and in the kitchen a rule of thumb to follow would be to stay on the outskirts of the grocery store. Anything that you eat from the center aisle at the store is usually processed and will give you higher calories and less nutrients.
For example: 1 cup of strawberries is only 49 calories & 12 carbs + a ton of vitamins and minerals. A cup of strawberries is a great snack and there's enough to give you that full feeling once you break up with heavy carb foods.
On the flip side 11 (ELEVEN) Dorito's chips give you 140 calories no vitamins/minerals and 16 carbs...and that's if you stop eating at 11 chips.


So the first couple days I was pretty bitchy because my mind kept telling me that I was hungry. I knew I wasn't because I had been eating good food, frequently.
I fought with my mind and sipped on my water. Angry.
Knowing I had to fight if I wanted complete control and annoyed that my mind was trying to make me fail.

2 weeks into my routine was the ultimate test.
I went on vacation for my 25th birthday.
I came home from vacation 2 pounds heavier and I made good food choices on vacation and continued on my workout routine. I wasn't upset about the 2 pounds because the memories on vacation were worth more than 2 pound gain.

My workout routine looks like this:
Monday: Legs/Cardio
Tuesday: Low Intensity
Wednesday: Arms & Abs
Thursday: Low Intensity
Friday: Full Body
Saturday: Low Intensity
Sunday: Low Intensity and/or stretching

My dogs are thoroughly happy with my low intensity workout.
Low intensity means they get at least a 30 minute walk... so everyone wins!

I also discovered a minor setback with my back.
I have to take things slow for a little while so that I can fully recover.
I was upset. I was frustrated & I was in annoying, aching pain.
I was experiencing tingling/numbness up my back more than 75% of the time no matter what position I was in.
I made an appointment with a chiropractor. He sent me for X-rays and I returned the following day.
I was expecting to see my spine in alignment with only small little thing that needed a single adjustment and then I'd be good.
I knew from my research with the body & my 8 days experience on a spinal cord injury (jury duty) that numbness/tingling meant I struck a nerve (literally).
So.

I have degenerative disk disease, a compressed disc right before my tailbone L-5 (thus the tingling), mild scoliosis and an anterior pelvic tilt. I don't really like the fact of claiming to have a "disease" so I'll just refer to it as a compressed disc.


I was in tears when this sunk in.
I was in tears because I had just found & was regaining my strength.
I had dusted off the athletic version of myself and quitting now meant restarting again & I promised myself no more quitting.
I have made modifications to my workouts, I have focused on heating my back, decompressing my back with a series of yoga poses (down dog, child's pose), low impact (bicycling over running), and of course: supplementation & essential oils.

I completed the full 12 weeks of my work out program - modified.
During the 12 weeks I took 2 vacations & did not go "full throttle" at the gym as I didn't want to aggravate my back.

I lost:
12.5 inches
8.2 pounds
1.1% BMI
2.8% Body Fat 


& finally it's not so much about what you look like it's more about what you feel like but it's always a good feeling when they sync up together.




SECRET: 
There isn't one. 
I changed my lifestyle.
I do take supplements. Ask me which ones
I take pre-workout.
I drink protein shakes.
I didn't take any weight loss "pills"
I didn't "wrap"
I'm a hard work & dedication type of girl.

My favorite helpers:
I really love my POLAR FT4
My Slimming Waist Belt 
Various Essential Oils
Metabolic Blend appetite control bars
C4 Pre-workout
Muscle Pharm Combat Protein






Monday, July 6, 2015

A Full Circle

By now you've probably realized that my Facebook, Instagram & Blog consist of
  • Charley
  • Scout
  • Oils
I guess you could say I'm somewhat predictable, right??
Boy have I got a twist for you!

So it's no surprise that Scout has been influential on my feelings about shelters, lost pet protocols, and the importance of microchipping & collars. Although, I'm not sure any of those things could have brought my baby home -- we make ourselves SO available to find if anyone is looking for who could have possibly owned the most perfect dog... IT'S US AND WE MISS HIM.

A four legged guy stole my heart a few weeks ago. Almost filling a void that I thought could never be touched. I'm not saying that Scout has a replacement but there is something happening that is making my heart happy, less broken and more hopeful. 

Saturday June 20th: Ricky, Charley and I were camping at East Canyon.
About 6:30pm the DNR officer brought around a friendly black lab full of energy. He was asking each camper if the dog belonged to them. This black lab had been dropped off to the camp host at 9am that morning it had been 9ish hours and nobody had come looking for the sweet, frumpy fella. The DNR officer assumed someone had to be missing this guy and his owners were probably out boating. I told him about Scout. I word vomit his story anytime I meet a "dog person" in hopes that if/when they find a pet they feel differently about the shelters. I hope that they see the heartbreak in my eyes and the lump in my throat and think of ME AND SCOUT whenever they find a lost pet. I hope that they stop what they're doing and take the honest approach so that someone somewhere doesn't do what they did to us, to someone else. The DNR officer was all about protocol. He agree'd to take him to the shelter if nobody had claimed him by Monday. I told him I would help advertise him on our state Lost & Found Pet's page so that together we could give this boy his family back. 


Monday June 22nd: I called East Canyon to ask if the black lab from the weekend had been reunited with his family. The girl (not the DNR officer) on the other end of the phone told me "OH! *THAT* black lab. Yeah, he lives on the other side of the dam and he always comes over here and then goes back home." I couldn't have asked for anything more. I am always grateful when a family get's their reunion. 

 Saturday June 26th: My soon to be SIL tags me in a picture "Linds it's the dog from the weekend!?" We were both confused. Why is the dog from last Saturday sitting in the shelter?? I thought he went home?? he had been there since Monday!? What in the world!!!? I immediately scrolled and scrolled and found everything I could on this guy. He was sitting out, waiting for his family this whole time -- I thought he was home? I suppose there was another friendly black lab from the other side of the dam? I immediately texted the number tied to the post about this lab. His stray hold was up and he was ready to be adopted. He got a LOT of buzz on Facebook, but I texted her to let her know that I will take him if it boils down to his "due out" day. I wasn't looking for another dog. He found me. I begged and begged Ricky to adopt him but we agree'd that we'd ONLY take him if it came down to his freedom or death. 



Monday June 29th: This sweet lab had a LOT of action on Facebook. Plenty of people fantasizing about adopting a giant, long haired, young black lab but when it came down to it -- he was still sitting in a shelter. In a shelter where one person besides myself cared about the importance of his life. He had more people encouraging permanent sleep than I even want to know about. I told the animal control officer about Scout. I told her how I appreciated the system and why things have to happen this way. I told her I was grateful for her pleading to keep this guy alive when the "experts" wanted him gone. 
He had been described as "aggressive" and "too energetic" he's a 1.5 LABRADOR RETRIEVER. Please tell me what kind of behavior is expected from this 1.5 year old lab?? I didn't (and still don't) buy the aggressive thing (but I'll tell you more in a minute).
Somewhere deep down dislodged in his long body was a microchip tied to a family. I assume it was a family that thought the idea of getting a puppy would be "CUTE" but I don't know for sure. I do know that the must've rehomed him pretty quick because we are his 3rd home and he's 1.5.
Family #2 liked to blame animal control because they kept "picking him up." The funny thing about that is.... if he isn't OUT he wouldn't keep getting "picked up." 
Buddy's FREEDOM ride

Do you know how many times I visited EVERY shelter when Scout went missing? Do you know how many times I would have KILLED to walk into a shelter and see him in a kennel losing his sweet little mind? Do you know how many times I would have LOVED for animal control to pick up Scout so I can pay that impound fee? I would have begged for it. BEGGED.

Family #2 didn't want Buddy. They kept him tied up outside, and he chewed off his rope. It was probably 90+ degree's that day. I wonder if he had shade? Water? Food?
It was a small town with only one shelter. If they missed him or even pretended to care they could have gone into the ONE shelter in town and picked him up. They didn't.

That same Monday someone put Buddy (an intact male) in a kennel with ANOTHER intact male. They got into somewhat of a fight (that's the "aggression" they were talking about). The idiot that put him in a kennel with another male HIT BUDDY WITH A SHOVEL and he tried to bite her.
If someone hit me with a shovel, I would bite too!
Because of the stupidity of this person regularly tending animals he would have been euthanized if I didn't head up there in a timely manner and come to his rescue.
I called Ricky. I told him we HAD to go get him. I loaded up Charley in the car. It was about 8pm and it was an hour away. There is NO way I could have lived with myself had the outcome been different.

Myself and the Animal Control Officer were the only ones that saw something in him. Something worth saving. I agree'd to foster him. I didn't know what I was doing but I knew it was the only option.

A few days in I could not believe what a GOOD dog he was. Hardly jumped, never barked and friendly like most labs are. It was refreshing. Our current dog loves dogs, but hate's people. His social skills have dramatically improved but he doesn't exactly scream "I want to be your friend" in the way that buddy does. Ziggy walks up to people with his hair up and his eyes angry. Buddy walks up to people with his tongue out and his tail wagging. I have forgotten in the past year and a half what it's like to have a dog that likes people. Scout loved people. I see the mannerisms in Buddy that I forgot that Scout had. 

7/6: I became a failure (Foster Fail) for all the right reasons and Buddy became ours. 

So I suppose this is some kind of sign from the universe letting me know that it's possible that just maybe Scout did end up in a good home. Maybe it's just as good of a home as mine and maybe miracles do happen. Maybe Buddy is here as a staple that even after so many homes and shelters happy endings CAN happen.
Anyhow, 
Buddy is now furever ours. 






Saturday, February 21, 2015

The Monthly Diva: The Toxic Truth About Tampons

Since my post about birth control pills was so popular, it's time to talk about lady parts...again.
No matter what route you take when it comes to "birth control" our monthly friend is usually inevitable. Or at least at some point it will be. Especially if you're going the au naturale route.

There's some mysterious "unladylike" insanity that causes us to be irked about about our own vagina's. Most people aren't even comfortable saying the word, and make it out to be some kind of innuendo.What in the hell. It's not taboo or impolite, it's a body part and a pretty important one at that!
It's time to start talking.

I know this is going to seem a bit extreme to most, but doesn't at least part of you think if there's nothing wrong with a product the ingredients should at least be on the box!? Do you think there's *maybe* a reason they're keeping it so secretive? I have never been told (or even really thought about) the dangers of tampons and pads. For most of us, there's not much of a choice so we assume they'd have to be safe, right? Kind of like toilet paper on steroids or something of that nature. At my young age I don't assume anything anymore. I'm not an anti-conformist, I just read. When I don't like what I'm reading (or lack there of -- ingredients not listed) that warrants a little caution.

It seems like the tampon and feminine pad advertising get more and more awful which is kind of humorous to me because their products are getting equally awful, and more toxic. Can we just have a moment of silence for all the amazing, favorite pair of panties that are forever ruined from Aunt Flo. REST IN PEACE.

Alright, in all seriousness not only is your skin your largest organ; but it is also the thinnest organ. There is less than 1/10th of an inch that separates your skin from potential toxins (ie: lotions, perfumes etc). (If you've followed my blog regularly I sincerely apologize for beating the dead horse)
Ladies, the skin around your vaginal area is obviously extra sensitive, which also makes it more sensitive to toxins, along with the skin inside the vagina as well.

The old saying is "don't put anything on your body that you wouldn't eat" and this needs to hold true for our feminine products. In some cases what we put on our bodies is actually worse because the enzymes found in our saliva and digestive track break down our "toxic" food to some extent and flush them out of the body. When we put things on our skin, there is no filter, the products are absorbed right into the blood stream. (This is exactly why oils work so well when applied topically). When products containing chemicals are applied this way (with no enzymes to break them down) they tend to just build up which is pretty much a ticking time bomb. Build up can cause cancers, hormonal imbalances, other deficiencies. The list is truly endless.


The average woman uses between 16,800 - 24,360 tampons in her lifetime.
This isn't counting pads or panty liners, this is *JUST* tampons.
That's a pretty high number to have the federal government merely turning the other cheek. Not to get political here and regardless of your stance on politics. The fact of the matter is that things going IN and ON our bodies NEED to be labeled correctly, and we as a consumer have every right to know what is in the products even IF we aren't one to read labels.
Why aren't our tampons and pads labeled with their ingredients?? 
Isn't it just cotton anyway??
Okay now for the parts that piss me off:
Tampons & pads are considered a "medical device" & because of the way they are categorized their ingredients do not have to be disclosed to us, the consumers

The people putting the product inside our bodies.
Ummm. About that...
A) This means companies looking for higher profits (and who isn't??) could add literally anything in order to reduce costs and make their profits. I mean products "better." 
It's business, right??
B) Why doesn't my insurance cover my $15 worth of tampons and panty liners every month??
Here's the deal. Yes our grandmothers and everyone else has been using tampons forever with no problems but back in the day, they WERE just cotton. They weren't laced with chemicals. Chemicals in personal care products is pretty new-age

So now that we know just how absurd the industry is let's add some more toxicity onto this awful idea.
I know! 
Let's make them smell like flowers and things that are pretty!! What a great idea!!

Scented tampons and feminine washes are about the most reckless thing a girl could do. If you are washing your perennial area regularly you shouldn't need any "scents" down there. However, this is a sensitive area and there could be an occasional itch or funk so I understand the need for feminine wipes from time to time. Again, stay away from the scented products!! 
Most feminine washes actually have adverse effects, even the fancy "pH balancing" ones.

Learn how to make your own feminine wipes here.

**Note** feminine wipes and washes are not categorized as medical devices and are categorized as cosmetics. Still a pretty lax industry, but at least we have some, not all ingredients shared with us as consumers.

This video is pretty much all we need to know.... (If you're on mobile click here for the video)
Foam. In pads. That are touching our sensitive areas. Good idea!
I know this all doesn't seem like a big deal because it's only *touching* your skin. But remember what I said before about how that can be so much more dangerous.

Because this toxic concoction isn't enough... the fibers of our feminine products are BLEACHED so they're white and "clean."
Using chlorine bleach creates dioxin. Studies have shown that dioxin collects in your fatty tissues. Dioxin is considered a serious public health threat with NO SAFE LEVEL OF EXPOSURE. But I'm sure after 16,000+ tampons you'll probably be fine.
Dioxin is kind of the least of your worries, though.
Most name brand tampons are made from cotton (I mean, duh) and actually contain pesticides (Cotton crops are only 2.4% of the worlds land, yet $2 billion is spent on pesticides for the cotton crops). Since most of our cotton is genetically modified, you can likely count on your tampons containing GMO'S (again-- more dangerous than eating GMO's)
Tampons and pads with neutralizers and artificial fragrances are basically a toxic slurry. The ingredients used to make neutralizers and fragrances are known to cause birth defects, hormonal disruption, cancer, dryness, and infertility.

It's kind of funny to me how tampax, kotex and every other brand out there gives you an entire page warning you of TSS (Toxic Shock Syndrome) which is incredibly rare, yet we have no warning about the dangers lurking in their products literally all the time. The real kicker though is that WE DON'T EVEN KNOW ALL THE DANGERS BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE IS IN THEM!! 

You might be terrified to ever use a tampon again and of course I wouldn't share something so horrific without providing you with a safer, better alternative.
As a consumer, every time you purchase a product you are essentially casting your vote. For example, when you purchase products like tampons and pads you're basically telling the manufacturers "it's okay, we don't need to know what kind of chemicals are in your products."
You'd think an ethical company would just disclose the ingredients to begin with, right? 

Never mind the discomfort associated with tampons and how at some point every single brand will eventually leak at the most inconvenient time or just feel like a dried cactus grinding on your vaginal wall. And I'm not saying that the 16,000+ tampons you use in your lifetime are going to kill you, because they've been around forever. But what they are likely going to kill is your dreams of having a family, your hormones, and potentially if they do enough disrupting and cause a terminal cancer, then yes they very well could KILL YOU. 

So what do we do?

Feminine cups.
Ever heard of them?

I'm only going to speak about the one that I have used but I am sure there are other equally great ones out there.
So about 3 months ago we were heading on a road trip and of course my cycle decides to show up.
I mean the timing couldn't be better, right?
I don't know about you but the thought of riding in the car for hours with a tampon just sounded like torture. I had been looking into feminine cups, reading reviews and was basically desperate.
I purchased The Diva Cup 

They have 2 models, one is for before kids and one is for after kids (regardless of the way you gave birth). I'll save you the full the story about how I purchased the wrong one, got home and realized it, and how the poor innocent man at the counter exchanged it with absolute horror on his face -- don't worry it was still sealed in the package.
...THAT WAS AWKWARD
Anyway, if you plan more ahead than I did they're a whole lot cheaper than they are at the store. Most major retailers don't even offer them as a matter of fact, I got mine at a pretty much organic grocery store and paid almost double what they sell for on Amazon.
So I'm not going to lie to you, it's a little intimidating and kind of awkward at first but oh MAN are they completely worth it.
Guess how many pairs of underwear I have ruined since switching??
ZERO.
It is entirely more comfortable. Most days I don't actually even remember that I am menstruating.
You can pee without having to change it and depending on your flow you can change it as few as 2x per day without ANY risk of TSS or anything else. 
It doesn't feel like you have a dry cactus in your crotch on the last days of your cycle, either.
The diva cup is made of silicone and it's free from chemicals, BPA, artificial dyes etc. It's reusable, month after month and you will NEVER miss tampons, unless you really like cactuses... in your crotch.
I've been dying to write this blog but I had to make sure I was never going back to tampons, because I wouldn't want to lie to my lovely followers! 

Pms problems? Check out this awesome study! 

We can't raise awareness alone. SHARING IS CARING <3